dear jon,

i got a stomachache the moment i read your text i'm in queens. it is the same stomachache i get when i'm mad, upset or angry. i know that in my freshman year of undergrad for my first degree i learned in biology that the esophagus is attached to the stomach on one end and the duodenum on the other, but for me, i swear it is my heart.

i admit i was wrong in assuming that you must be so smitten by a new outer-borough chick that she brought you out here, when it really could have only been [and was] that you were stuck in traffic on your way to the hamptons, figures. only you could take such an event and warp it to make you seem cool, i'm in queens. why don't you make yourself useful and stop by to clean my son's excrements?

though you do play your cards right by asking how's little jonathan? in this manner, you secure my responses for at least one more day. but, get real, my dog is too precious a thing to be named after you, his name is Jordan, get it straight, buddy.